


it comes swift in the night

by Hanz88



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 20:13:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19471333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanz88/pseuds/Hanz88
Summary: It never gets better for Kakashi, only normal.





	it comes swift in the night

**Author's Note:**

> idk, kakashi makes me fucking sad sometimes.

it's always in the middle of the night when it comes. He never remembers waking up, only that it's sudden: the weight on his chest.

It crowds his throat and the puffs of air he's exhaling become staggered until nothing is coming out. Then it hits him. The blood, the fucking blood, it's all he can see and taste and smell; he manages to throw up once on himself before his feet drag him to the sink. The sounds of water rushing soothe him, for a minute. But Kakashi doesn't deserve this solace and as soon as the moment has come, it passes.

Her face and smile singe away in his prefrontal cortex. He can't get the blood off fast enough, scrubbing away at his hand until he sees his own blood and that's right. He deserves that, it hurts but it's right. Only when his skin is _raw_ and torn does Kakashi let himself sink to the floor. His breaths come back in steady puffs and he finally weeps.  
  
He weeps for Rin obviously: the missed opportunities of her youth. He weeps when he thinks of her kindness, her strength, her resignation in those last moments. She was just a soldier in a war that was waged a millennia ago, she was a commodity, a tool. They all are.

Then, he weeps for Obito and their missed chances and thinks if maybe, he had said the right thing once, maybe if he wasn't such a goddamn coward. Obito would be alive and his light would be enough for Kakashi. They'd have a distanced, tense friendship but that would be enough.

His tears become sobs when he thinks of his students, mostly Sasuke. There is no doubt in his mind that there are nights just like these for him. Sasuke will wake up and only see blood, he'll feel a warmth that is wrong: that solely exists in the inside of someone's chest cavity and he'll feel Naruto's heart beating in his hands. Naruto will try his best to calm him, he's seen it before, a whispered: " _it's okay, hey, I'm right here_." But there will always be worry and hesitance in a place where there should be trust.  
  
Sasuke will curl into Naruto's chest but he won't feel like he'll deserve it.

Lastly, he'll weep for himself. He's selfish, he knows. But that voice creeps into his ear, and he can't hide from it. One that says that he's his father, that letting his comrades down is in his blood. It's tradition to be a traitor to the people he loves, the people that trust him with their lives.  
  
It tells him he's useless; he failed his students and only by Naruto's unwavering belief and Sakura's silent strength were they carried through the last three years.  
It whispers taunts and sometimes it sounds like Obito's voice or Sasuke's or his Sensei's, though usually, it's his own. And eventually, it stops.  
  
It's then when Kakashi plays with his kunai for the last moments before his alarm goes off. He's a coward, either way, he knows. Kakashi sighs slightly as birds begin to chirp in the midst of an early summer morning. Kakashi finally closes his eyes to sleep. At least, he'll have an excuse for being late.

**Author's Note:**

> pour one out for Kakashi's fucked up sleep schedule. Naruto's will think about roasting him in the morning for the lame excuse but Sasuke also has bags under his eyes. 
> 
> side note: I cried writing this.


End file.
